


The Beatles in Germany

by PadawanRyan



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, CRACKIEST OF THE CRACK, Crack, F/M, Gen, Impersonation, Infidelity, M/M, Nazis (Very Brief), Off-screen Character Death, Recreational Drug Use, Screenplay/Script Format, pure fucking crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-02
Updated: 2007-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28994352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadawanRyan/pseuds/PadawanRyan
Summary: The Beatles visit Germany, where they experience adventure, romance, and tragedy.
Relationships: George Harrison & John Lennon & Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr, George Harrison/Original Female Character(s), John Lennon/Original Male Character(s), Original Male Character(s)/Original Female Character(s), Paul McCartney/Original Female Character(s), Paul McCartney/Pamphlets, Ringo Starr/Original Female Character(s)





	The Beatles in Germany

**Author's Note:**

> My sister and I wrote this story using the following process: we grabbed all the nearest books to us. We opened each book 5 times and wrote down the first word on each of those 5 pages, and these 5 words made a single sentence. We did this 10 more times until we had 10 nonsensical sentences with which to create a story. It ended up being a Beatles story since the majority of the books nearby were library books about the Beatles. It's very cracky so enjoy!

**John:** Hello, everyone! It's nice to see you again.  
 **Ringo:** Isn't it nice to get away to Hamburg?  
 **George:** I don't know...I'm a little lonely.  
 **Paul:** Ah, it's nice to be here all great and healthy!  
 **Ringo:** Let's go see Neil.  
 **Paul:** Which Neil? Neil who?  
 **Ringo:** The one Neil we all know.  
 **All [except Ringo]:** Ohhh.  
  
 _They walk over to soon find Neil.  
_

 **Neil:** Have you met the Hamburg girl?  
 **John:** No, but we've heard of her.  
 **Neil:** Well, do you want to meet her?  
 **George:** Yes! Let's go meet the Hamburg girl!  
  
 _They walk over to where the Hamburg girl is sitting._  
  
 **John:** Hello, there. We're The Beatles.  
 **Paul:** We're a musical group.  
 **Astrid:** Oh, I've heard of you. I would love to learn to play guitar.  
 **George:** Maybe I can teach you.  
 **Astrid:** That would be much appreciated. I'm Astrid Rössler, by the way.  
 **George:** Okay, what is your number? My people will call your people.  
 **Paul:** Your people?  
 **Ringo:** I thought we were your people.  
 **George:** Okay, okay. I'll call you.  
 **Astrid:** Thank you, but I don't have any people.  
 **George:** Maybe I could be your people.  
 **Astrid:** You could be my person.  
 **George:** I'd rather be people.  
 **Astrid:** Okay, you can be George and Harrison.  
 **Neil:** Hey, do any of you have a girl at the moment?  
 **Paul:** NO!  
 **John:** Sort of.  
 **Ringo:** *shifty eyes*  
 **John:** We're suspicious of him.  
 **Ringo:** Why are you suspicious of me?  
 **Paul:** Because we see you with tons of girls and you never tell us if you have a girlfriend.  
 **John:** Maybe he has a few girlfriends.  
 **Paul:** He's either with Brittany Britt or Jemily.  
 **Ringo:** Am not!  
 **John:** Sure.  
 **Paul:** Anyway, new topic...music!  
 **John:** Astrid, have you heard any of our records? They're absolutely wonderful!  
 **Astrid:** Yes, they're good records. Anyway, I'd "austria" George.  
 **George:** Well, shall we go, then?  
 **Astrid:** Yes, let's.

_George and Astrid leave the bar._

**Neil:** Have you ever been to Center Pete's Germany Gardens?  
 **Paul:** No, what is it?  
 **Neil:** It's sort of like an amusement park.  
 **Ringo:** So, we should have fun?  
 **Neil:** If we go to Center Pete's Germany Gardens.  
 **John:** Let's go to Center Pete's Germany Gardens, then!

_The four of them [John, Paul, Ringo and Neil] go to Center Pete's Germany Gardens._

**Worker:** Willkommen zu den Gärten Deutschland Mittelpeters.  
 **Ringo:** Neil, what does that mean?  
 **Neil:** He said, "Welcome to Center Pete's Germany Gardens."  
 **Ringo:** Oh, thank you, sir.  
 **Worker:** Heil Hitler!  
 **John:** No, hail me! John Lennon! Hail...John Lennon!  
 **Worker:** Heil Hitler!  
 **Paul:** What's the point? He's just going to keep hailing Hitler.

_The four of them find a payphone and look up Astrid's number, to call George._

_On the phone_ :

 **John:** George! You must come with us!  
 **George:** Where are you?  
 **John:** We're at Center Pete's Germany Gardens!  
 **Paul:** John, in this pamphlet here, it says if we join the center, we'll always get in free! Wouldn't that be fun?  
 **John:** Paul, would you please be quiet?  
 **Ringo:** Tell George I say hi!  
 **John:** Anyway, George, come meet us down here. We're going swimming!  
 **George:** Okay, I'll be there soon! If you're going swimming, of course I'll come! I'll bring Astrid.  
 **John:** Fine! Do that, then!  
 **Ringo:** Bye George!  
 **Paul:** Oh, yeah yeah yeah, bye. Oh, George, when you get here, you should read this pamphlet!  
 **John:** Goodbye.

_George shows up soon enough, with Astrid. The boys are waiting for him._

**Paul:** George! Look at this pamplet!  
 **George:** Yes, I get it.  
 **Paul:** I got five more for you!  
 **George:** Paul...you shouldn't have. I mean, really...you shouldn't have.  
 **Paul:** Aren't you glad I got you some?  
 **George:** He doesn't get it, does he?  
 **John:** Well, let's have fun now!

_George calls his mother later to tell her about their stay in Germany._

**George:** I just got to where they were in Germany when...  
 **Paul:** You should read these pamphlets!  
 **George:** Paul, get off the phone! I'm trying to talk to my mother!  
 **Mother:** George dear, you should be nicer to your friend.  
 **George:** Sorry, mother.  
 **Mother:** Yes Paul, I will check them out sometime...much later.  
 **Paul:** Wonderful! Bye!  
 **George:** Well, anyway mother, I met this wonderful girl. Her name is Astrid.  
 **Mother:** George, you mustn't run around with girls. You're quite young.  
 **George:** Mother! I'm twenty-two years old!  
 **Mother:** And I was twenty-five when I married your father. Not a year older, not a year younger.  
 **George:** So you want me to marry when I'm twenty-five?  
 **Mother:** George, that was just an example.  
 **George:** Well, come to our wedding in three years!  
 **Mother:** George Harrison, watch your mouth!  
 **George:** Well, anyway mother, I think it's about time I go.  
 **Mother:** Okay, George dear. Sleep tight, don't let bed bugs bite.  
 **George:** Mother, I'm twenty-two! I don't believe in bed bugs anymore!  
 **Mother:** That's not what you'll be saying when they bite you. Goodbye!

_That night, Astrid introduces them to a strange German drug. The boys react quite oddly towards it._

**Ringo:** What is this called, again?  
 **Astrid:** Sonderbare Glückliche.  
 **Paul:** I...and they...become we.  
 **George:** Who is this 'I' you speak of?  
 **Paul:** Me, of course. Me...and my beloved pamphlets.  
 **John:** There should be a city named after me.  
 **Ringo:** Why you?  
 **Paul:** Yes, why not the pamphlets?  
 **John:** Just because...it's me.

_A few weeks later, there becomes a German city called Lennonlandhaus._

**John:** This is perfect! Now everyone will know the amazingness of me!  
 **Paul:** They should've made one for the pamphlets!  
 **John:** Don't be so conceited, Paul!  
 **Ringo:** He's conceited? I think you're the conceited one!  
 **Paul:** Yeah! And if you ever mock the pamphlets again, you'll be sorry!  
 **John:** They're just pamphlets, Paul. This is me we're talking about.  
 **Ringo:** John, give him a break! Stop being so bigheaded!  
 **John:** Whatever, I am out of here. You unworthy ones may sit here in your unworthiness.  
 **Ringo:** Unworthy? Unworthiness?  
 **John:** I will go visit Lennonlandhaus. Good day.

_John then leaves and it's just Paul and Ringo left._

**Ringo:** Is he not the most pompous person you have ever met?  
 **Paul:** I can't believe he mocked my pamphlets!  
 **Ringo:** Um...Paul...um...the pamphlets are strong enough, but maybe we should work on you.  
 **Paul:** Work on me?  
 **Ringo:** Yes, you need to be stronger inside...like the pamphlets.  
 **Paul:** I agree. Definitely. Those pamphlets are pretty fab.

_John then goes to Lennonlandhaus, and meets a man named Dick._

**John:** Hello, who are you?  
 **Dick:** My name is Dick Holländer. Who are you?  
 **John:** Do you not recognize me? I am John Lennon! This is my city!  
 **Dick:** Oh, wonderful. Would you like to come to my house for tea?  
 **John:** Do you live in this city?  
 **Dick:** Yes.  
 **John:** Then of course I will come!

_John goes to Dick's home._

**John:** Dick, I must tell you something.  
 **Dick:** What is it?  
 **John:** I have only known you a very short time, but I'm afraid I am madly in love with you.  
 **Dick:** Oh, but I am with you as well.  
 **John:** I'm John Lennon, who isn't in love with me? Let us go to bed.  
 **Dick:** Well, I'm afraid I must tell you something as well.  
 **John:** What?  
 **Dick:** I have a girlfriend. Her name is July.  
 **John:** What? You'll do this with her before you'll do this with me?  
 **Dick:** I just met you!  
 **John:** It doesn't matter! I'm John Lennon, and you're madly in love with me!

_The next day, John goes to find Dick's girlfriend._

**Cecania:** No.  
 **John:** Sorry. Are you July?  
 **Jarvina:** No, sorry.  
 **John:** You better be.  
 **Jarvina:** Be what?  
 **John:** Sorry.  
 **Jarvina:** Well, I am. So sod off!  
 **John:** Okay...are you July?  
 **July [alternate]:** Yes.  
 **John:** Do you have a boyfriend named Dick?  
 **July [alternate]:** No.  
 **John:** This is getting on me wick.

_John tries all day to find July. Finally, he succeeds._

**July:** Are you saying that you are looking for a July, with a boyfriend named Dick?  
 **John:** Yes! I am!  
 **July:** My name's July, and I have a boyfriend named Dick.  
 **John:** Dick Holländer?  
 **July:** Why, yes! He is my boyfriend!  
 **John:** I have something to tell you about your boyfriend.  
 **July:** What is it?  
 **John:** He's cheating on you.  
 **July:** My God! With who?  
 **John:** With me.

_Meanwhile, the other three Beatles are having their own conversations._

**George:** Oh, I must go meet Astrid. Goodbye!  
 **Paul:** I suppose it's just you, me, and the pamphlets now.  
 **Ringo:** Um...sorry, I have to be somewhere. I'm late.  
 **Paul:** For what?  
 **Ringo:** Something! Bye!  
 **Paul:** He's starting to seem more suspicious everyday.

_Later on, July decides to find her boyfriend and confront him about his homosexual relationship._

**July:** Dick, is it true?  
 **Dick:** Is what true?  
 **July:** Are you sleeping around with some guy?  
 **Dick:** Oh, not just some guy, it's John Lennon.  
 **July:** Ohhh! No wonder he seemed so familiar!  
 **Dick:** Wait...what?

_During that time, Paul had been making some queries and answering some of his own questions. He tells George._

**Paul:** I've been following Ringo around, you know.  
 **George:** Oh, really? Why? Are you in love with him as much as you are the pamphlets?  
 **Paul:** No, don't be silly. No one is as wonderful to me as them.  
 **George:** Okay then...why?  
 **Paul:** Because the pamphlets are wonderful!  
 **George:** No, no, why are you following Ringo?  
 **Paul:** I think Ringo has two girlfriends.  
 **George:** Two girlfriends, you say?  
 **Paul:** Yes, he's not with Brittany Britt or Jemily...he's with Brittany Britt and Jemily!  
 **George:** Gosh!  
 **Paul:** I know...I would never cheat on my pamphlets, so why would Ringo cheat on girls?  
 **George:** Maybe he's not in love with pamphlets like you.  
 **Paul:** Who couldn't be in love with pamphlets?  
 **George:** Maybe...um...maybe Ringo's different than you.  
 **Paul:** He's absolutely weird!

_The two didn't realize that Ringo was listening to them._

**Ringo:** So they are spying on me now, are they? Is there no trust amongst us? Well then, I must do something about it.

_Paul then invites George to spy on Ringo with him. The only problem is, where is Ringo?_

**John [alternate]:** Hello Paul, hello George.  
 **Paul:** John! I thought...  
 **George:** Weren't you...  
 **Paul:** Didn't you...  
 **George:** Since when are you...  
 **John [alternate]:** Exactly! How are you?  
 **Paul:** Oh! We're spying on Ringo?  
 **John [alternate]:** Oh, you are, are you?

_Ringo pulls off his disguise as John._

**Paul:** Ringo!  
 **George:** We are so sorry!  
 **Ringo:** How can I ever trust you two again?  
 **George:** Paul...this is your problem. I must go see Astrid.  
 **Paul:** Ringo, maybe you'd calm down if you read one of these pamphlets.  
 **Ringo:** Enough with the pamphlets! Nice to know I have no friends anymore!

_Dick then goes in search of John, after hearing what July had to tell him._

**Dick:** John, what did you tell July?  
 **John:** Oh, just that we're sleeping together. Why?  
 **Dick:** Because we're not!  
 **John:** Not yet.  
 **Dick:** John...I don't want to sleep with you.  
 **John:** What are you saying? This is over!  
 **Dick:** I don't even remember it beginning!  
 **John:** You confessed your love for me!  
 **Dick:** I was taken!  
 **John:** Fine then...we...are...through!

_Ringo decides to make a call to his supposed girlfriend Jemily._

**Ringo:** Hey Jemily.  
 **Jemily:** Hello Ringo, why do you call?  
 **Ringo:** Oh, I was just wondering if you'd like to go out tonight?  
 **Jemily:** I'm sorry Ringo...but I'm having sex with Tony tonight.  
 **Ringo:** WHAT? Who's Tony?  
 **Jemily:** I wish I could have told you sooner.  
 **Ringo:** Told me what?  
 **Jemily:** Tony's my...um...boyfriend.  
 **Ringo:** No, it's not true!  
 **Jemily:** I'm afraid it is.  
 **Ringo:** Oh...okay then.

_Ringo's next call is to his other supposed girlfriend Brittany Britt._

**Ringo:** Hey, Brittany!  
 **Brittany Britt:** Hello Ringo. To what do I owe this pleasure?  
 **Ringo:** I was wondering if you'd like to go out tonight?  
 **Brittany Britt:** I'd like to, but me and David...  
 **Ringo:** David? Who's David?  
 **Brittany Britt:** My boyfriend.  
 **Ringo:** You have a boyfriend, too?  
 **Brittany Britt:** What, you have one?  
 **Ringo:** No! I called Jemily, and she said she was having sex with Tony tonight.  
 **Brittany Britt:** Do I need to know that?  
 **Ringo:** Um...no, not really. So, where are you David going?  
 **Brittany Britt:** Köstliche Nahrung.  
 **Ringo:** Lovely place...I must go! Goodbye!

_Ringo then rushes to Köstliche Nahrung to meet David, although he is not as himself._

**Brittany Britt [alternate]:** David! Hello!  
 **David:** Hello, Brittany. How are you?  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Good...good...I have something to tell you.  
 **David:** Wait, let us order first. Kellner!  
 **Waiter:** Ja?  
 **David:** Wir möchten jetzt bestellen.  
 **Waiter:** Was wurdest du magst bestellen?  
 **David:** Fische, bitte.  
 **Waiter:** Ausgezeichnete Wahl. Und du?  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Um...what? May you repeat that?  
 **David:** What...would...you...like...to...eat?  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Oh, uh...steak.  
 **David:** Steak für sie, bitte.  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Thank you.  
 **David:** Brittany, what is going on? You are German! You know German!  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Uh...tonight I just can't speak it.  
 **David:** That's odd.  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** It's a religious thing.  
 **David:** Oh...okay...what was it you wanted to tell me?  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** I think we should...  
 **Brittany Britt:** David! Who are you with?  
 **David:** I...I thought I was with you.  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Uh oh.  
 **Brittany Britt:** Ringo, is that you?  
 **Brittany Britt [alternate]:** Not yet, I'm you for another five seconds. Four...three...two...one. Okay, I'm Ringo now!

_John returns to Hamburg soon enough and expresses some feelings to the boys in a phone call._

**John:** I expect all of you to be at the Palais at 8.30pm tonight!  
 **Paul:** Palais? We're in Germany, not France!  
 **John:** Well, be there.  
 **George:** Why should we?  
 **John:** Because we're friends.  
 **Ringo:** I'm not so sure anymore...I'm not even sure if these boys are my friends!  
 **John:** We're talking about me, not them. Goodbye.  
 **George:** Oh no! What's happened to Paul?  
 **John:** What? What happened?  
 **Ringo:** He just threw up is all.  
 **John:** That's not unnormal. Good day to you.

_George, Ringo and Paul go to the Palais to see John that night._

**John:** Nice of you to show up. Get in before the heat gets out!  
 **George:** So why did you want us here?  
 **John:** I have this new and wonderful song!  
 **Ringo:** Well, play it.  
 **John:** "I...I am so great. I am wonderful, and you're not. I'm better than you."  
 **Paul:** John...we can't use that.  
 **John:** Why not?  
 **Paul:** It's too conceited.  
 **Ringo:** The music...it's just not there anymore. It's gone, it's not us.  
 **John:** You're right, it's not us. It's me! I am what makes this band.  
 **George:** Is he kidding?  
 **John:** I created us, and I could break us!

_Just then, Paul had fainted._

**Ringo:** Oh no!  
 **John:** What is it?  
 **George:** Did you not just see that? Paul's collapsed!  
 **Ringo:** You monster!  
 **John:** Why am I a monster? It's your fault!  
 **Ringo:** No it's not! It's your's!  
 **George:** Listen, people. Look at him. What are you going to do? What about Paul?  
 **John:** What about The Beatles? What about me?  
 **George:** This isn't about you! Paul has collapsed!  
 **Ringo:** George, let us get him to a hospital.  
 **John:** I have more songs for you!  
 **Ringo:** Let's hang him.  
 **George:** In a foreign country!

_Within a few days, Paul had awoken in the hospital. The boys were alerted, and went to visit._

**Ringo:** So Paul...how have you been?  
 **Paul:** Good.  
 **George:** What have you been doing?  
 **Paul:** Reading pamphlets!

_Ringo sees the many pamphlets around Paul's bed, and faints himself._

**George:** Paul...where did you get all these?  
 **Paul:** I asked the nurses to bring them.  
 **George:** Why?  
 **Paul:** I wanted them. You wouldn't?  
 **John:** No, no...of course we would. Right, George?  
 **George:** Oh...oh, yes.   
**John:** So, what is the verdict? How are you doing?  
 **Paul:** Oh...it's not terrible...I just have yellow fever.  
 **George:** Yellow fever!  
 **John:** Um...we're really sorry Paul, but I don't think we should be here.  
 **Paul:** Why? John: Uh...band practice?  
 **Paul:** But I'm in the hospital, and Ringo's unconscious!  
 **John:** Okay then...guitar practice!  
 **Paul:** You don't want to hang around me now, because I have yellow fever. Right?  
 **George:** That's not it at all...goodbye!

_Later, Ringo awoke in a bed beside Paul._

**Ringo:** Paul, what am I doing here?  
 **Paul:** Oh, you fainted. The nurses set you up.  
 **Ringo:** That's nice, I suppose.  
 **Paul:** Want to read a pamphlet?  
 **Ringo:** Um...no thanks.  
 **Paul:** Well, I'm going to read a pamphlet.  
 **Ringo:** I think I'll call the others.

_Ringo gives the boys a call, and within a while, they return._

**John:** Ringo! How did you get here before us?  
 **Ringo:** I called you here, remember?  
 **George:** Could have sworn you told us from across the table.  
 **Ringo:** Um...no, I've been in the hospital the entire time.  
 **John and George:** Oh.  
 **Paul:** I found a girl!  
 **George:** Really? So you no longer need the pamphlets?  
 **Paul:** No, no, I still need the pamphlets.  
 **John:** Why?  
 **Paul:** She loves pamphlets just as much as me!  
 **George:** This is not going into a song.  
 **Paul:** Why not?  
 **John:** Boys...I don't think we should write songs together anymore.  
 **Ringo:** Why not?  
 **John:** I'm John Lennon! I could write better than you! I'm better off without you!  
 **George:** Like hell you are.  
 **John:** I will prove it, good day. This is my time to say a final goodbye.

_Many years later, the boys were interviewed on that stay in Germany, except for Paul, who died of yellow fever in the hospital._

**Reporter:** So what do you think about that short time you spent in Germany?  
 **Ringo:** It's really unfortunate, Paul died alongside his lovely pamphlet girl. I guess that's really true love.  
 **John:** If you love pamphlets!  
 **Reporter:** Looking back, what do you think of everything that happened on that trip?  
 **Ringo:** Everything was so overwhelming.  
 **George:** I met the love of my life there.  
 **John:** I somewhat headbutted The Beatles into what is now nothing.  
 **Reporter:** Any regrets?  
 **All:** Nope!


End file.
